Because I believe mothers need more support.

There have been some sad stories in the news these past few months. I can't get them out of my head. My thoughts are a bit scattered, so please bear with me.

There was the young mom who shook her baby to death because he wouldn't let her play a game of Farmville.

Another whose 13 month old baby drowned in the tub while the mother was in another room checking Facebook.

A third mother who drove her car with her 4 children into a river (one child managed to escape).

The first thing most people think upon hearing stories like these is, "That woman never should have been a mother." or "She was a terrible, irresponsible person" or "She is a bad mom". I don't see it that way.

What I see is a lack of proper support and care for the mother. Mother's needs are not being met. (Disclaimer: I'm sure these same thoughts apply to fathers, but since the stories I'm citing are about moms, that is who I am going to talk about.)

In the first story, it appears as though the mom needs more time to do something for herself and more education about how to parent. If there was another care taker (relative, babysitter, neighbor, friend) available to help out for an hour or two each day to watch the baby, then maybe she would have been able to satisfy her need to play games while someone was supervising her child. It is also possible no one warned her about the effects of shaking a baby. Maybe a class about child care the first few months could have prevented her child's death. I think people also don't realize that even a person who knows not to shake a baby may end up doing it. For some people, something happens in their brain when a baby won't stop screaming, and they can't help or stop it. They have to be strong enough and aware enough to set the baby down and get some space before harm the child. It is difficult to imagine this until you've gone through it, but I can remember a time or two when I felt that urge and had to suppress it. Not everyone has the ability to do that. Also, she may have been suffering from post partum depression. In that case, she would have needed someone to talk to or a support group until she started to feel better.

The second story hits close to home for me. I often stand just outside the door of the bathroom, checking email, text messages, and facebook on my phone, while my toddler is in the tub. It makes me nervous to do this, but there is still part of me that just needs a few moments to myself so I can be a better mom to my son after his bath is over. Maybe it was really difficult to get him into the tub that night and I just need a break. Maybe he was slapping me in the face and I needed some distance. What I'm saying is that anyone can make a decision like this woman did, and it doesn't mean she is a bad mom. Losing her child is punishment enough. I guarantee she will never make the same mistake again. She learned her lesson and is not a danger to others. Like the mother from the first story, what this mother needed was time to herself, someone to watch her child while she did something for herself. She needed more support and did not know to ask for it, or had no one that could offer it.

The third story is a bit different. A mom who commits or wants to commit suicide is in desperate need of a professional to talk to. She needs to learn how to express her feelings in a way that they will be heard and have her emotional needs met. Rather than accuse her of being an unfit mother, why don't we ask what we can do to identify warning signs, give proper support, and prevent another mom from taking her life and the lives of her children? There is a comment on this story from a woman who went through a similar struggle, but was fortunate enough to have professional help. Why is the only person empathetic to this woman's situation someone who has gone through something similar? Why can't we all learn to be empathetic and not be critical or judgmental?

Our society is not designed to support mothers. Maternity leave, when available, is so short. Child care is so expensive, and becoming less available as the economy worsens. In general, we live far away from extended family, so are often left on our own to take care of our kids and figure out how to parent. We are, for the most part, without role models and without guidance. Some of us have the resources (mental and financial) to seek out the support we need, but I would bet the majority of mothers in the US either can't afford it, don't realize they need help, or don't think it is possible that anyone could or would want to help them meet their needs.

What about mental health of parents, in general? What do we know about it, when do we talk about it, and how are parents educated about warning signs and when to seek help? Post partum depression is starting to get the attention it deserves, but there are so many other feelings and emotions that we need to talk about, identify, and work through.  

The comments on these stories prove my point. People want to hurt these moms, they think the mothers should be killed for taking a life - but they don't understand the mental state these moms are in. It doesn't happen to everyone, but some people just can't cope with children the way others can. Crying babies affect people in different ways. Different moms need different amounts of time away from the kids. These women have already suffered the worst tragedy there is, and now they are suffering through tremendous punishment in prison and through public criticism.

What if these mothers had adequate help with child care, took parenting classes, and had their needs, whatever they may be, met? What if these mothers had the support and guidance they needed to take care of their children?


I can already hear people responding to this with thoughts like, "I'm a stay at home mom of 5 kids, and I don't need help, I don't need time to myself, I don't need anything". Well, good for you, but that just means that your needs are different, and that is wonderful that all your needs have been met! The needs of the mothers in these stories have not been met. So what could we do to help them? What could we do to help mothers, in general, before these types of tragedies?

Why are people compelled to criticize these women? Why isn't anyone compelled to wish that these women had what they needed to be the kind of mother we expect them to be?

I don't have any answers to this. I just wonder, if we all thought about these cases from the mother's point of view (if we could be so lucky to learn enough about them to do so), considered the mother's needs immediately before the incidents, if her needs had been met, what would have happened? What if we raise our kids to think in this way, to meet the needs of their partners and friends, and care for one another?

-NinaMama